Category Archives: Relationships
It was as healing
as a mother’s palm
across a flushed forehead
and yet seductive in its truth,
This admonition straight from Aphrodite,
foamed and tickled at my ears
like the sea meringue that was her birth,
her message roaring from the conch,
like the goddess that she is,
gleaming like the planet that is hers.
Her words were, “Trust the roses,”
they will tell you all you need to know,
that beauty is the best that you can grow,
that blooming is the best that you can do.
Understand, she said, the prick,
the drops of blood will only make
you clearer, surer of the scent you seek,
only wake you up
to the colors that are calling.
Follow me across the evening sky
and you will find I’m always
blessing any garden you are seeding,
loving you for what you cultivate,
assisting you in all that
you are needing and creating,
leaving roses everywhere I’ve been,
birthing, budding your designs,
breathing what you crave
into every poignant petal,
every lithe and leading stem.
A few mornings ago I woke up hugging one of my pillows again (at least I wasn’t humping or punching it). As I lay there thinking about how long the other side of my bed has been empty I remembered a question that a good friend of mine had suggested that I take to The Shower Team,
His question was, “How do I line up better with a satisfying long-term relationship?” As I continued to cuddle my pillow it felt more and more relevant and so I did the only thing I could think of to do in that situation, with that topic fresh on my mind . . . I headed to the shower . . .
On this topic perhaps more than any other, the difficulty that you often experience is tied to the mixed messages—the competing or conflicting signals that you are offering on this subject in your experience. We have also observed that the longer you hang around on the planet, the more mixed your vibration or your signal about this becomes.
On the one hand you diligently and repeatedly declare your desire for a partner . . . and we know that your desire is genuine. We feel your sincere wish for companionship and passion and mutual enjoyment of your life with another. But on the other hand, you also tend to develop increasingly strong desires for independence and freedom and for living your life on your own terms.
In addition, you begin to create the equivalent of a shopping list for the mate that you want . . . as though you were ordering from a catalog . . . or you put a series of qualifiers in parenthesis around your statement of desire: “I want someone to share my life with but I don’t want that and I don’t want this and I don’t want that . . . “
You tend to approach this particular desire with an increasing specificity and with increasingly mixed feelings—to the point where it is no longer primarily the satisfaction of a relationship that you are focused upon but rather it is your concerns about the degree to which any relationship could actually meet your increasingly strict criteria. And in this as in so many of your stronger desires, you also tend to spend much more time noticing that it is not there than you spend in eager, delicious anticipation of it coming.
When the energy is flowing in response to your desire, to your asking . . . and you are flowing with that current (i.e., not resisting), then not only are you ready, you are receiving—or will be very shortly. The Universe does not and in fact cannot withhold anything from you under those conditions.
But when that energy is flowing and you are standing there in opposition to it—that is, when you are questioning it in some way, or doubting it in some way, or thinking conflicting feelings about it . . . then you are not “ready” in the purest sense of the word because you have not fully aligned with what you’ve asked for. Some part of you is still not quite believing it or not quite trusting it or not quite seeing yourself as worthy of it.
If a lovely and satisfying new relationship is your dream, and it’s been a long time still not coming—and you notice as you wonder about that, that there are some little nagging feelings of doubt that you’ll really find someone or questions about whether someone you would want to be with would ever really be attracted to you . . . Say to yourself, “What reasons can I find to believe that this is truly available to me?” Or “What are some realistic, plausible things I could say about having this thing that I desire, that would feel better for me to give my attention to?”
Readiness is not something that is bestowed upon you at random or that falls out of the sky on some lucky few . . . It is a process of letting go of whatever thoughts you are clinging to that contradict the having of what you want. Identify those thoughts as you’re able and then practice reaching for softer or gentler or more soothing or reassuring thoughts that are accessible to you—that is, that you can believe as you say them.
When you ask yourself, “Am I ready to have this wonderful new relationship . . . or this unprecedented prosperity” . . . . or whatever the desire may be . . . really listen for the answer. Really notice how you feel about that desire being fulfilled . . . Really notice if you are standing there absolutely believing in it and expecting it and eagerly and enthusiastically anticipating it . . . or not.
What we are suggesting is that you give more time and more attention to enjoying your desire for a relationship than you typically spend questioning or fretting or analyzing that desire. Try to focus more deliberately on the joyful or playful or otherwise compelling aspects of being with someone. Instead of treating this as a puzzle or a riddle or a problem to be solved, approach it as a game you enjoy playing or a movie that you like to watch over and over.
What we are really encouraging you to do is to begin living now as though what you want were already present. “But how can that be?” You might ask. “How can I live my life now the way I would if I were happily partnered?” And we say, “Well, what would be different besides having another body in your bed?” What is it that you think is going to be so great about having someone around in the first place? Really stop and think about that. Think about why you want this so much and what you’re going to get from it and then look very carefully and thoughtfully at how you can—and we promise you, you can—begin to have some of that experience in your here and now—even before the mate materializes.
Why wait? If you truly want this dream mate to show up then you have to pave the way. And this means beginning to live the live that you want to share with a mate. It means being the person you want this mate to love and desire and want to be with. It means taking your attention off all the things you think this relationship that is yet to be will make right for you—and making those things right for you where you stand. And in the process, you make yourself right for the relationship that you seek.
Until you put yourself in the right place and the right frame of mind—a place where you are living the life and being the YOU that your future mate will adore—then you more than likely would not really want the ones who might show up in the interim. Be the you that you look forward to being when you are with the one you want . . . and the one you want will find you soon enough.
I can always count on The Team to make it all about me. Even when I think it’s all about someone to love me. And that leaves me willing to give my role in the pursuit of the elusive LTR a lot more thought. And it leaves me feeling, for the moment, completely focused on becoming an even more lovable me.