Category Archives: Relationships
“What you are regarding as bad or wrong in this instance or any other is really just guidance that you are judging because it is what you have learned to do.”
Few things can leave us as drooping in the dust the way a relationship gone awry can. When love goes off course or comes to a crashing halt it’s one of the worst feelings in the world and can leave us standing either in front of our partner—or a mirror (often they’re one and the same)—declaring “You suck.”
Having had what feels like at least my fair share of those particular blues over the course of my lifespan to date, I wondered to myself and then to The Shower Team, “Why do I seem to keep missing the mark here? What’s wrong with me that I keep getting it so wrong?”
The first thing we would say in response to that question is that what’s “wrong” (your word, not ours) is the question you are asking. That is, what’s wrong or misguided is your belief that something is wrong in general or wrong with you, which you will never get us to agree with.
We understand that you have experienced or observed something in the context of a relationship that is unpleasant or uncomfortable or discouraging for you and that is calling you forward to something better that you desire. And we get that the gap between where you are and where you desire to be feels uncomfortably wide in such moments.
That is, you don’t like the way that you are holding yourself (and we promise you that you are) back from the joy that your Higher Self or Soul or whatever you wish to call Who You Really Are clearly understands is yours to have. You don’t like the way you’re thinking about you or your situation right now because the way you’re thinking is not the way Source thinks about you. That discrepancy or disagreement with yourself never feels good.
And so, in other words, what is ‘wrong’ with you that is not really wrong is the way you are choosing to label or judge what you are observing. And the moment that you allow yourself to choose a different way of observing and thinking about what you are choosing, you will feel the relief you always feel when you recognize that what you think is wrong is really just information that you are interpreting in a particular way, usually a way that you have trained yourself into and which you barely even recognize as your choice.
Even though it doesn’t feel like a choice, we assure that it is, just as we assure you that other choices are available to you. What you are regarding as bad or wrong in this instance or any other is really just guidance that you are judging because it is what you have learned to do.
In other instances you do not judge such guidance. You do not, as a rule, see a sign on the highway that says you are further from your destination that you realized and conclude “Oh something must be terribly wrong with me for not being there yet or for not being further along than I am.”
But in this specific area of your life-in your close connections with others—you do exactly that. Instead of simply acknowledging the information you’ve been given as evidence that you have not yet caught up with where your desire is taking you, that you are not quite there yet, you stop and criticize where you are and blame yourself (or your partner) for being there when all you really need to do is see where you are, feel the direction that you’re being called toward and choose the steps and the point of view that moves you in that direction.
You instantly know what moves you in the ‘right’ direction by how it feels to turn that way. If the way you or your relationship is going or has gone feels wrong then it is only because you are thinking something about that relationship or about you or your partner that is not in agreement with how Source is thinking.
What does Source think about you or your problem or your relationship? We can assure you that what Source is never thinking is that you or he or she or it is ‘wrong’. What Source is thinking is that you have created something wonderful and fulfilling through the purity of your desire and if you will just pay attention to the guidance you are receiving and move in the direction of the desire that calls to you, neither you nor your partner nor your relationship or even the ending of your relationship will feel wrong to you. In fact, you will see—and be amazed at—just how remarkably right it all is for the way that it is pointing you toward the joy still ahead of you.
So, the only thing wrong with me is my feeling that something’s wrong with me? Sort of sounds like being told it’s crazy to wonder if you’re crazy. I do know that I have an unerring tendency to go in the opposite direction from my intended destination. Just follow me in and out of stores at any mall.
With all due respect to The Team, the message has that “easier heard than felt” feeling to it. “Words that wiggle a bit” you might say. So for now I’m off to have my compass checked—and while I’m at it, to once again question most of my assumptions.
Parting aFLOWmation: “Wrong is the other right.”
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On the lake the winds are calm
enough to tell one breeze from the other
and the water lies as still as two lovers’ eyes
holding one another in the space before a kiss,
like sea desiring sky in a privacy before the dawn.
The earth stops turning
long enough to feel that we’ve arrived,
that a wish has just come true
and the only prayer remaining
is a thank you whispered to the trees,
attention to the hummingbirds and cranes.
There are times a lover’s arm around your waist,
his breathing in the night,
will take you home
and other times the memory
of his calling out your name
is all the joy you get to keep.
In the morning
dreams will drop you at your door
and drive away, leaving you to wonder
where they go, and what they came to say,
leaving you alone, awake,
and aching to go back to sleep.
(From Tricky Serum: An Elixir of Poems by Dan Stone, Lethe Press, 2011)