Monthly Archives: February 2010
Pissed is Better than Pitiful
'Wisdom' and Other Words To Live By From a Wet-Behind-The Ears Oracle
I never threw temper tantrums as a child (although I did go through a period of holding my breath for no apparent reason). From all reports I was a nauseatingly good boy from the moment I popped out. These days, however, I find that I’m not always so well-behaved. Every now and then I get really honked off about some situation or circumstance that I don’t like and that feels like it’s been going on way too long. As often as not, it’s some all too-familiar, pesky perceived gap between where I am and where I’d rather be.
It doesn’t feel good and my seeming inability to make it feel better only makes me feel worse. It may not seem particularly evolved or enlightened to punch out my pillow or pound the shower stall walls, but I have to admit . . . sometimes it’s a huge improvement over the sinkhole I seem to slide into so easily.
Nevertheless, rather than continuing to beat my fist–or head–against the wall, I decided to ask The Shower Team if maybe, just maybe . . . getting mad sometimes means getting better—or if perhaps there are times when it’s better to feel pissed than pitiful?
We would so much rather see you get angry than sad. We would much rather see you yell and kick and scream and stomp your feet and shake your fists—even at us—than to see you pull the covers over your head or hide your face in your hands or beat yourself up. The reason for this is because anger always feels better to you than despair or depression or discouragement. And we want to see you feeling better and better, because as you allow yourself to feel your way up the emotional scale from despair or disempowerment and depression to rage or to blame or to anger or frustration, then you are at least moving in the right direction—toward empowerment.
When you feel desperate or discouraged or sorrowful, you also tend to feel stuck there in a place where you have very little control. You feel helpless. You feel lost. These are all illusions, but in that state you believe there really is very little you can do. When you allow yourself to move up from there to anger, you feel energy moving again. You want to act even if it’s just to hit someone or to yell or scream . . . And although we would not recommend hitting someone and would hope for you to continue that emotional journey from anger to even better feeling states, we would still much prefer to see you throw a hissy fit about where you stand in relation to your desires because that is one of the most powerful indicators that you are recognizing that things are supposed to be better than you’re currently letting them be.
In this feeling of anger you are acutely noticing the difference between what your desires have called you to and where you are holding yourself. We don’t blame you one bit for being pissed. In fact, we celebrate your hissy fit . . . we applaud your tantrums . . . and we would offer to you that if you will recognize the power of the desire behind that anger, and turn your attention toward increasingly better feeling thoughts that channel that power, you will eventually begin to see the faster progress that you want.
We recognize that sometimes feeling good is not so much an option, because it’s too far from where you are. It’s like trying to spot bliss before you’re even in the same time zone. Sometimes feeling better doesn’t mean feeling “good”. Sometimes it means feeling sad when you were feeling despair. Sometimes it means feeling cautious optimism when you were feeling rather hopeless. Sometimes it means feeling anger when you were feeling helplessly depressed.
Allow your anger to lead you to action, but make it action that continues to move you up that emotional scale, from rage and anger to frustration and irritation to impatience to resolve and determination to calm hopefulness and so on and so on.
Recognize that anger is often experienced as a powerful form of relief and therefore, can be a powerful step in a more positive direction. Recognize and appreciate that fact rather than judging yourself for your anger. Recognize and appreciate the guidance that you are receiving and simply continue to turn in the direction of what brings you relief—even if it leaves those observing you shaking their heads and wagging their fingers.
When you can’t help noticing that you are not where you want to be and you KNOW that you are supposed to be feeling better than you are—and when the only other options you can find or feel are discouragement or depression, we would respectfully suggest that you get royally pissed—and get the ball rolling back in a better feeling direction.
Maybe it’s not the warmest and fuzziest approach to feeling better, but I can sure vouch for the preferability of punching a pillow over self-flagellation. Nearly every single time that I’ve allowed myself to get angry about something in my life that doesn’t feel good . . . I’ve noticed myself starting to feel better.
So far, I haven’t turned into a rageaholic. I’m pretty sure I’m still mostly a good boy. But it’s nice to know I have options when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s at least a slightly more empowering thought. And that leaves me feeling freer to be me, even when that me is honked off.
Musings on Inspiration: Author Dorien Grey
An idea is salvation by imagination.
—Frank Lloyd Wright
This week’s “Musing on Inspiration” features acclaimed and versatile author, Dorien Grey, whose works include the 
popular Dick Hardesty mystery series. In his own words, “First came Roger Margason, then came Dorien Grey, who started out as a casual pen-name but rapidly evolved into something more. The ‘relationship’ is similar to that of a bulb and a flower: Roger is the bulb without which the flower could not exist, and Dorien is the flower. Roger handles all the day to day physical things…breathing, eating, paying bills…which frees Dorien to spend his time creating books and blogs.”
“In Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, a young man remains young and beautiful while his portrait ages. In the case of Roger and Dorien, it is Roger who is increasingly subject to the ravages of time, while Dorien remains forever young.” Grey’s transformation from seedling to bulb is detailed in his earlier writings, especially in the series of letters he wrote to his parents while in the U.S. Navy more than 50 years ago, which chronicle his adventures learning to fly as a Naval Aviation Cadet, then later as a regular sailor aboard an aircraft carrier in the Mediterranean during the height of the cold war.
Returning from the service to complete college, Roger moved on to become a lifelong magazine and book editor, and it was not until he determined to spend his time writing books that Dorien emerged.
Visit his website where you can read the first chapter of each of his books. The Navy letters are featured in “A World Ago,” , bits and pieces of his life, memories, experiences, and thoughts are the subject of “Dorien Grey and Me” , and he even has a photo blog featuring photographs from every stage of his life .
TSC: How do you define ‘inspiration’ for yourself?
DG: Trying to define ‘inspiration’ is, for me, a bit like trying to define a light breeze through an open window. I have never consciously tried to find inspiration…it always finds me. I see inspiration as simply an idea which catches itself in the web of my imagination and wants to be explored further.
TSC: What do you think first inspired you to become a writer/artist? Can you identify a moment or experience or influence that turned you in that direction?
DG: A from-the-cradle love of words and a fascination with the magical ways they can be put together, first through my mother’s voice as she read me stories, followed by the euphoric liberation of learning to read was all the inspiration I ever needed to become a writer.
TSC: Describe the ‘inspired’ you. What does he/she look or feel like?
DG: I like this question a lot, since I am basically two people: Roger, who is in charge of day-to-day living and who is limited to the laws of physics and time, and Dorien, who writes, with absolutely no limitations…who can be anyone or anything he wishes to be and go anywhere and into any time he chooses.
TSC: What is your most ‘inspired’ work? Why?
DG: And this is the most difficult of the questions. Each book I write is inspired by my desire to pursue an idea, and to convey my thoughts and beliefs on a given subject. Each book begins with a different inspiration for its plot and message, and each is unique. Trying to choose one over the others is like trying to ask a mother which of her children she likes best. She may have her preferences, deep down inside, but she would never admit to it.
TSC: Who or what or where is your muse? How do you invoke your muse? Rituals?
DG: The Greeks had seven muses. I’ve added my own…I call him Chuck. Chuck is in charge of never letting me get carried away too far in any direction, and never, never allowing me to take myself too seriously. He is the equivalent of the Roman slave who, in triumphal parades, rode on the honoree’s chariot, standing behind him holding an olive branch wreath over the hero’s head while whispering, over and over: “Remember, thou art but a man.”
Inspiration is like a cat. When you sit just sit there calling “here, kitty, kitty,” you’re lucky if it will even glance in your direction. When it’s ready, it will come to you. Which doesn’t mean you can’t facilitate it by offering treats in the form of a steady stream of random thoughts. Sooner or later, inspiration will spot one it likes with no help from you and come sit in your lap, purring. That’s how it has always worked for me.
TSC: What is your take on the notion that writing—or any creative work—is more about perspiration than inspiration?
DG: You can’t have one without the other, but their ratio to one another varies with each writer. When someone who has never written a book says casually, “Oh, I could write book on that,” that’s inspiration. The sitting down and writing 
it is persperation. No book can be written without applying the seat of one’s pants to the seat of a chair. The writer is like a construction foreman, arriving on the jobsite to find huge piles of various materials he’s going to need in order to build a house. He has to must pick and choose the ones he wants in the order he wants them to be able to his story. That ain’t easy. And inspiration is in many regards an acquired skill; the longer one writes, the more easily inspiration tends to come.
TSC:. What do you think is the most common—or problematic—myth or misconception about inspiration?
DG: At the risk of offending anyone, I think one of the greatest myths about inspiration is that all one has to do to be inspired is to want to be inspired. Inspiration exists in everyone, but just wanting it at any given moment does not make it so. Inspiration, again, is born in random thoughts. Indulge them.
TSC: List a few tools or practices or methods that work reliably for you to get you in the mood to create. How do you shift into your ‘zone’?
DG: Grab a random thought. Any thought. Look at it carefully. Study it from all angles. If it holds the promise of being an inspiration, it will let you know. If it doesn’t, go on to the next thought.
When I’m working on a book, if I have any difficulty at all in picking up exactly where I left off, or if I suddenly run into a brick wall at some point, I go back several pages and start reading as though I’d never seen them before. Nine times out of ten, by the time I reach the place I left off, I can just sweep right on past it.
TSC:. What are you currently feeling inspired to do?
DG: I’m not so much inspired as I am driven to put as much of myself into words, and to create characters and worlds other people can identify with and in which they can see parts of themselves. Life is far too short, and my words are my posterity.
