Monthly Archives: December 2009
Why Am I Afraid To Be Right?
'Wisdom' and Other Words To Live By From a Wet-Behind-The Ears Oracle
Very recently a longtime follower of The Shower Channel contacted me with what she described as an urgent request for some assistance in resolving a personal struggle that had been plaguing her for some time.
In her own words, “I met someone six years ago. When I saw him I KNEW I’d been looking for him my entire life, many lives, and that was before I even acknowledged that I had many lives. I felt every cell of my being vibrate with an awareness and joy that I can’t describe and I KNEW him at a soul level. Literally in one second . . . I was face to face with the embodiment of a kindred spirit I had apparently been searching lifetimes for. To say my world was shaken is an understatement . . .
“We went on to become very dear loving friends but the trouble with this idyllic scenario…. he married someone else.. . .. His is not a marriage made in Heaven and I often felt I was his emotionally connected spouse making his real spouse tolerable. Eventually I couldn’t handle the dark energy that surrounded everything anymore and about 6 months ago I cut cords and ties to him we simply stopped communicating. Except that he pops into my mind every now and again with such a fervor and obsession that I can’t think of anything else. I’m feeling so very close to a type of implosion at this point. I will be going along in life everything hunky dory, never a thought about the guy then BAMO, the obsession sets in. It’s incessant. . .
“I have worked on this on my own. I’ve worked on balancing, on past lives, I’ve searched within. The answer I’ve come up with is this: I:M AFRAID TO BE RIGHT . . . but, am I afraid to be right about my gifts, afraid to be right in my messages….? When I ask why am I afraidI see HIM and that is where is stops. I am tired of being afraid. I am tired of not knowing if my ego is obsession over losing my dearest friend and soul partner (literally my own self) and reacting to a perceived loss or if I AM feeling him and if so WHY?”
On her behalf, I posed what seemed to be her core questions to The Team–specifically, “What do I fear and why am I willing to be held back? WHY AM I AFRAID to be right, what is right, why do I fear it?”
Before we respond directly to your deeply felt questions, there is a powerful image emerging here, one you may be quite familiar with—of a woman surrounded by symbols that represent a kind of bondage, of captivity . . . often these symbols are depicted as swords for they usually represent a kind of thinking that is at the root of this felt bondage. It is a prison of sorts, made up of thoughts that do not serve, thoughts that hold you in a place where it feels like you cannot move, cannot escape, and cannot find your way to the freedom that, on some level, you always know is yours.
We see you in this image, a woman of power, a being of light and wisdom, but for the moment, blindfolded . . . unable to see the freedom that is right behind you, unable to recognize the choices in front of you because in this particular moment, in this particular situation, you are not allowing yourself to see it.
As is nearly always the case, the answers to your questions are embedded in the way that you ask them. Some of the words you have offered here are, “I NEED to know what is my truth and have that be it, final answer” . . . I am tired of being afraid” . . . I am tired of not knowing if my ego is obsessing over losing my dearest friend and soul partner (LITERALLY MY OWN SELF)” . . . “Why am I willing to be held back?” WHY AM I AFRAID TO BE RIGHT?”
Can you hear the wisdom and knowing that is buried in the emotion of those words? Can you allow yourself to hear the ringing truth that is just beyond what you are letting yourself understand?
What we see here is an uplifter, a being of such light and love, with such gifts and such desire rocketing from her to be in alignment with who she really is . . . and yet is choosing to focus on the fears that most paralyze her, and on the sadness and the grief that most inhibits her joy.
You ask, “Why am I afraid to be right?” and We would offer to you that the reason is rather clear . . . you have on some level chosen to see ‘being right’ as both essential—and not enough. “Being right” did not protect you from the loss you feel you suffered. “Being right” did not prevent you from losing this one who you feel was meant for you on some profound level. “Being right” did not save you from heartache, from feeling as though you had truly “lost yourself”.
As powerful and cherished as your gifts rightly are to you, they did not keep you safe from this pain that continues to haunt you. Your wisdom, your knowing, your connection to other beings of light, your skills and talents, did not make you immune to the very real, very human hurt that still aches whenever you give it your attention.
You say that the choices you made were for the best, but the experience you are living tells a different story. It tells a story of regret or doubt or fear that you have made some kind of mistake—or perhaps, that no matter how “right” you may be, it will never be enough. “Not enough” is the message we keep hearing you sending to yourself as you ask these questions over and over and as you continue to wonder what is “wrong” with you.
The question that we find ourselves wanting to ask you is, “What if being RIGHT” is actually the problem? What if you turned your attention away from being “right” to being “at peace” . . . to being “Joyful” . . . to being “free”? These are always choices available to you. No matter how bound you may feel by your own thoughts, no matter how imprisoned you may see yourself at times by thinking that ‘feels’ out of your control, freedom is never more than a choice or two away.
The question for you now is, what would ‘feel’ like freedom to you? Where you stand here and now, what ‘feels’ like freedom? What feels like joy? What feels like you, coming back to the fullness of Who You Really Are?
The answer to your questions will be found in the relief that you allow yourself to experience as you turn in that direction. Being an uplifter as you are, being one whose heart is full of love to give, being one who is connected to Source and who is led by her desire to share that connection, is never really about being “right”. It is about being true to Who You Really Are . . . . and when you are allowing yourself to see yourself as Source sees you . . . there is no fear . . . there is no doubt . . . there is no concern about the implications of being right or wrong. There IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG. There is only you—being in alignment or not with the radiant, loving, uplifting, wise and knowing and ever expanding You that you are always becoming.
We would not make you “wrong” for wondering if you are afraid to be right. But we would lovingly suggest that by continuing to hold your focus there, you are continuing to hold yourself in this place that feels like bondage. You can make a different choice. You can release this fear of being “right” and turn toward the joy that is always calling to you as you allow yourself to let it be the light that leads you. You can be “right” in letting yourself know that you can never really get it wrong. And only when you choose to let yourself know and feel this truth, will you once again see yourself the way that Source is always seeing you.
Nothing is more humbling to me than the frequent recognition that spiritual gifts, no matter what form they take and no matter how valuable they are for our own growth not to mention our service to others, do not render us immune to the struggles and challenges and frequently, the blind spots, that hold us in places of distress and doubt. Often it truly seems we are all physicians unable to heal ourselves in one way or another.
So when an obviously talented, devoted teacher or messenger or healer or other uplifter shares his or her own challenges, it reminds me of the precious humanity that we all share and the privilege of remembering that we are never truer to Who We Really Are than when we reach out for the reassurance that all is well, no matter how far from that truth we may be feeling in that moment.
Musings On Inspiration: Author Hal Bodner
An idea is salvation by imagination.
—Frank Lloyd Wright
This week I continue my series of interviews with writers and other artists about the inspiration for their work and about the subject of inspiration in general. The purpose of these interviews is to dialogue either seriously or humorously about the mystery and magic of inspiration—and to offer any insights that would be useful to others trying to find or better employ their own muse or shift into a more productive creative space.
This week’s interview features ultra-prolific paranormal/horror fiction author, Hal Bodner. Hal is the author of the best selling gay vampire novel, “Bite Club”, as well as the paranormal romance, “In Flesh and Stone” to name just a few. Check out Hal’s website for more information about this talented and oh-so-offbeat author.
TSC. How do you define ‘inspiration’ for yourself?
HB: I don’t know if I can define “inspiration” as easily as I can tell you what inspires me. Though I’m best known as a Horror writer, I’ve always considered myself a comedy writer. I have this quirky way of looking at things that I can’t help. A lot of times, I’ll see something in an odd light and I want to share my “discovery.” Also, there are times when I say to myself, “Hey, wouldn’t it be really cool if….” or, better yet, when something intrigues me and there’s an issue I want to explore. And I think different impulses inspire different kinds of work. For example, BITE CLUB was originally inspired because I felt that AIDS was costing the Gay community something more than lives; it had cost us our sense of humor. The cultural humor that I loved when I was younger, the camp, the wit, the cleverness and even, yes, the bitchy archness had largely vanished in the wake of the plague. I wanted to revive that in BITE CLUB.
But, with IN FLESH AND STONE, I didn’t realize until I was halfway through the book that I was using it as a catharsis for my husband’s death. I think the book reflects that. It’s got hot steamy sex — a lot of hot steamy sex! — but, at its core it’s actually a story about dealing with the potential loss of someone you really and truly love and what you go through, emotionally, while you’re processing.
TSC. What do you think first inspired you to become a writer/artist? Can you identify a moment or experience or influence that turned you in that direction?
HB I’ve always written but, due to the way I was raised, I never considered it a legitimate way to make a living. My upbringing taught me that doing anything “artistic” was frivolous and self indulgent — a waste of time that could better be used in productively earning a living. So, it wasn’t until I was in my thirties that the “urge” became strong enough so that I couldn’t repress it any longer. I realized – with a modicum of maturity, I hope!– that happiness and satisfaction do not always go hand in hand with “living up to your potential” in a more traditional job. Fortunately, I was in a financial position (thanks to that same upbringing) where I did not have to earn income from writing to survive. So, I wrote for fun, for myself and, I think, that’s really the best way.
I think when BITE CLUB became a genre best seller, I had a wake up call. Suddenly, writing seemed more legitimate to me. Then, of course, when I did IN FLESH AND STONE and started getting responses from some readers telling me how much it meant to them, how they had lost loved ones and how the book helped them realize that love can continue even when the person you loved is gone, I think that really got to me. You see, at first, I really thought that IN FLESH AND STONE was “just another” erotic romance. In fact, my agent got very angry at me when I kept referring to it as a “stroke” book because of the graphic sex. She was very affected emotionally by it and she took my being so cavalier about it in a kind of very personally offended way. But, I think the ultimate incident which made me realize that I was having an effect and that what I was doing was important happened shortly after IN FLESH AND STONE came out.
There’s this incredibly hot guy who I’ve seen around town for the past ten years or so but never met. Evidently, he’d not only read the book but he also knew I’d written it and knew who I was. Anyway, one day on the street, this amazing-looking young man saw me and came running over to me and burst into tears. He grabbed my hand and starting saying something like, “I read your book. The one about the statues. You can’t know what it meant to me. Thank you.Thank you!” He was sobbing and hugging me and I just stood there completely dumbfounded until he was finished and his friends caught up with him and they all left. Obviously, he’d lost someone close to him and my so-called “stroke” book had touched him on a much needed emotional level.
TSC. What is your most ‘inspired’ work? Why?
HB: BITE CLUB was the book I wrote with the most purpose. I knew what I wanted to do with it when I set out to write it. So, in that way, it was the most “inspired.” On the other hand, IN FLESH AND STONE just poured out of me in 8 days — and there were very few changes between first draft and publication. So, I think that’s a very “inspired” work as well. And, on the third hand (IS there a third hand?), sometimes an dea will really get under my skin — how the “unappreciated” monsters might feel; the morality of what you can do with a stunning zombie who has no soul and, thus, isn’t quite human; what entertainment will be like in a couple of hundred years; the various motivations and attractions of what I call “darker” sex and sexuality — a lot of these themes fascinate me and, in that sense, I’m inspired” to explore them in my writing.
TSC. How do you invoke your muse? Rituals?
HB: As for rituals, mine are mostly relevant to physical comfort. For example, I must have a desk at the proper height. I write in a bit of a frenzy so, if I’m not in a good physical position, my back and shoulders are in agony after a couple of hours. I also drink prodigious amounts of coffee and water while I work. I used to have to have several packs of cigarettes at hand but, since I have largely quit smoking….
Oddly, I also find I have difficulty getting into the “space” to write unless I start in the morning and work the day through — just like any other job. Though I wrote BITE CLUB and THE TROUBLE WITH HAIRY almost entirely in the wee hours of the morning, at my age, I can’t do that any more. I also require quiet to write — no radio, no noisy neighbors, nada. I think, because I need my work to function on multiple levels of text and subtext, I have to be able to concentrate in a way that’s tantamount to juggling several different sized balls at the same time
TSC. What is your take on the notion that writing—or any creative work—is more about perspiration than inspiration?
HB: Well, marketing the work is certainly all perspiration – which is why I hate doing it! I think many of the people who “perspire”, who labor over the work as a whole, may actually be trying to overcome a lack of foundation. You must understand the way words work! That includes the basic rules of grammar, punctuation, etc. (I don’t think spelling is quite as important in today’s world of spell check. And, in most cases, if you confuse “there” and “their”, for example, a decent copy editor will catch it.) But, if you don’t know the difference between an independent and a dependent clause, or between active and passive voice, I think you might consider becoming a visual artist rather than a writer.
That being said, assuming you know the basics, yes, there are indeed times when you struggle to get something exactly right. For me, it’s usually about communicating something without confusing the reader. I tend to over state things that can be done simply and elegantly. Once in awhile, my characters lead my plot into a place that I didn’t anticipate and I have no idea how to proceed. When that happens, I just give them their lead and let them show me how to get out of it. Of course, they don’t really do it — it’s my subconscious, but you get the idea.
TSC. What do you think is the most common—or problematic—myth or misconception about inspiration?
HB: Writers Block. I don’t believe in it. I think it’s an excuse for laziness.There are times when every author may simply not feel like writing. I think it’s okay to not write if you don’t feel like it just as it’s okay for a brain surgeon not to have to operate on people’s skulls 24/7. But it’s soooo “romantic” to say you have Writer’s Block rather than to simply say, “I’m not in the mood to be creative today.” I think sometimes, the author may be struggling with an idea or a concept that isn’t quite gelling. “Writer’s Block” is the term they use which I think is incorrect. Just because the idea isn’t fully fleshed out doesn’t mean they’re “blocked”. It could very well mean they’re still in the process. But again, claiming “Block” is a romantic and convenient explanation.
TSC.. List a few tools or practices or methods that work reliably for you to get you in the mood to create. How do you shift into your ‘zone’?
HB : I turn on the computer, make a huge pot of coffee and spread out my notes. I’ll often back-track a few pages or a chapter and do a mini-edit so that I can get my mind back into the story and around the characters. That’s especially helpful if I’m working on something that I’ve had to put aside for awhile due to other commitments.Re-reading and doing minor “tweaking” helps get me back into the “groove.”
TSC. What are you currently feeling inspired to do?
HB: Perhaps because I’m doing a lot of paranormal erotic romance for Ravenous at the moment, I find myself intrigued by sexual and sensual themes. Also, as a horror writer, there’s a predictable fascination with the darker aspects of sexuality. I’m not talking about mere kink; I mean the motivations behind the kink…an attempt to sort of distill the “essence” of what someone may find attractive about bondage or pain or elaborate costuming.
I’m also having a blast with the superhero book and dying to get back to it. It’s a hoot to write and the only reason I’m not whaling away at it is because Ravenous wants a couple of books from me by the end of 2010 and I’m at a critical point in the fourth BITE CLUB novel. By critical, I mean that I have no idea what’s going to happen next and I need to give my characters the chance to show me. (And I’m positively salivating to find out!)
