Monthly Archives: June 2007

A few mornings ago I woke up hugging one of my pillows again (at least I wasn’t humping or punching it). As I lay there thinking about how long the other side of my bed has been empty I remembered a question that a good friend of mine had suggested that I take to The Shower Team.

His question was, “How do I line up better with a satisfying long-term relationship?” As I continued to cuddle my pillow it felt more and more relevant and so I did the only thing I could think of to do in that situation, with that topic fresh on my mind . . . I headed to the shower . . .

On this topic perhaps more than any other, the difficulty that you often experience is tied to the mixed messages—the competing or conflicting signals that you are offering on this subject in your experience. We have also observed that the longer you hang around on the planet, the more mixed your vibration or your signal about this becomes.

On the one hand you diligently and repeatedly declare your desire for a partner . . . and we know that your desire is genuine. We feel your sincere wish for companionship and passion and mutual enjoyment of your life with another. But on the other hand, you also tend to develop increasingly strong desires for independence and freedom and for living your life on your own terms.

In addition, you begin to create the equivalent of a shopping list for the mate that you want . . . as though you were ordering from a catalog . . . or you put a series of qualifiers in parenthesis around your statement of desire: “I want someone to share my life with but I don’t want that and I don’t want this and I don’t want that . . .“

You tend to approach this particular desire with an increasing specificity and with increasingly mixed feelings—to the point where it is no longer primarily the satisfaction of a relationship that you are focused upon but rather it is your concerns about the degree to which any relationship could actually meet your increasingly strict criteria. And in this as in so many of your stronger desires, you also tend to spend much more time noticing that it is not there than you spend in eager, delicious anticipation of it coming.

So—what to do? We are not suggesting that you give less thought to what you want or implying that you are being too picky or selective. What we are suggesting is that you give more time and more attention to enjoying your desire for a relationship than you typically spend questioning or fretting or analyzing that desire. Try to focus more deliberately on the joyful or playful or otherwise compelling aspects of being with someone. Instead of treating this as a puzzle or a riddle or a problem to be solved, approach it as a game you enjoy playing or a movie that you like to watch over and over.

What we are really encouraging you to do is to begin living now as though what you want were already present. “But how can that be?” You might ask. “How can I live my life now the way I would if I were happily partnered?” And we say, “Well, what would be different besides having another body in your bed?” What is it that you think is going to be so great about having someone around in the first place? Really stop and think about that. Think about why you want this so much and what you’re going to get from it and then look very carefully and thoughtfully at how you can—and we promise you, you can—begin to have some of that experience in your here and now—even before the mate materializes.

Why wait? If you truly want this dream mate to show up then you have to pave the way. And this means beginning to live the live that you want to share with a mate. It means being the person you want this mate to love and desire and want to be with. It means taking your attention off all the things you think this relationship that is yet to be will make right for you—and making those things right for you where you stand. And in the process, you make yourself right for the relationship that you seek.

Until you put yourself in the right place and the right frame of mind—a place where you are living the life and being the YOU that your future mate will adore—then you more than likely would not really want the ones who might show up in the interim. Be the you that you look forward to being when you are with the one you want . . . and the one you want will find you soon enough.

How do They keep telling me to love me—let me count the ways. Guilty as charged about the shopping list. I’ve been adding to the list of desired, if not required, traits for my future mate for as long as I can remember. It never occurred to me that I might give at least as much thought to how I want to be as I give to how I want him to be.

I can always count on The Team to make it all about me. Even when I think it’s all about someone to love me. And that leaves me willing to give my role in the pursuit of the elusive LTR a lot more thought. And it leaves me feeling, for the moment, completely focused on becoming an even more lovable me.

I never threw temper tantrums as a child. Apparently I was a nauseatingly good boy from the moment I popped out. These days, however, I find that I’m not always so well-behaved. Every now and then I get really honked off about some situation or circumstance that I don’t like and that feels like it’s been going on way too long.

It doesn’t feel particularly evolved or enlightened to punch out my pillow or pound the shower stall walls . . . but I have to admit . . . sometimes it feels embarrassingly good. So rather than beating my fist–or head–against the wall, I decided to ask The Shower Team if maybe, just maybe . . . getting mad sometimes means getting better?

We would so much rather see you get angry than sad. We would much rather see you yell and kick and scream and stomp your feet and shake your fists—even at us—than to see you pull the covers over your head or hide your face in your hands or beat yourself up. The reason for this is because anger usually feels better to you than despair or depression or discouragement. And we want to see you feeling better and better, because as you allow yourself to make the emotional journey from despair or disempowerment and depression to rage or to blame or to anger or frustration, then you are at least moving in the right direction—toward empowerment.

When you feel desperate or discouraged or sorrowful, you also tend to feel stuck there in a place where you have very little control. You feel helpless. You feel lost. These are all lies, but in that state you believe there really is very little you can do. When you allow yourself to move up from there to anger, you feel more empowered. When you are angry, you feel energy moving again. You want to act even if it’s just to hit someone or to yell or scream . . . And although we would not recommend hitting someone and would hope for you to continue that emotional journey from anger to even better feeling states, we would still much prefer to see you throw a hissie fit about where you stand in relation to your desires because that is one of the most powerful indicators that you are recognizing that things are supposed to be better than you’re letting them be.

In this feeling of anger you are acutely noticing the difference between what your desires have called you to and where you are holding yourself. We don’t blame you one bit for being pissed. In fact, we celebrate your hissie fit . . . we applaud your tantrums . . . and we would offer to you that if you will recognize the power of the desire behind that anger, and turn your attention toward increasingly better feeling thoughts that channel that power, you will be begin to see the faster progress that you want.

Allow your anger to lead you to action, but make it action that continues to move you up that emotional scale, from rage and anger to frustration and irritation to impatience to resolve and determination to calm hopefulness and so on and so on . . . Recognize that anger is often experienced as a powerful form of relief and therefore, can be a powerful step in a more positive direction. Recognize and appreciate that fact rather than judging yourself harshly for your anger. Recognize and appreciate the guidance that you are receiving and simply continue to turn in the direction of what brings you relief—even if it leaves those observing you shaking their heads and wagging their fingers.

When you can’t help noticing that you are not where you want to be and you KNOW that you are supposed to be feeling better than you are—and when the only other options you can find or feel are discouragement or depression, we would respectfully suggest that you get pissed—and get the ball rolling back in a better feeling direction.

Permission to get pissed has apparently been granted! Maybe it’s not the warmest and fuzziest approach to feeling better . . . but I can sure vouch for the preferability of punching a pillow over self-flagellation. Nearly every single time that I’ve allowed myself to get angry about something in my life that doesn’t feel good . . . I’ve noticed myself starting to feel better.

So far, I haven’t turned into an angerholic. I’m pretty sure I’m still mostly a good boy. But it’s nice to know I have options when I get sick and tired of being sick and tired. It’s at least a slightly empowering thought. And that leaves me feeling freer to be me, even when that me is honked off. And that leaves me feeling, for the moment, just a little more assertively complete.